Finally I Can Breathe Again

I feel like I've turned some major corner, like there is suddenly light at the end of some tunnel I didn't realize I was in, like some huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. It's so striking I had to stop and ponder it...

I think I've been subconsciously "holding my breath" ever since February 13, when I found out I needed this second CI. It was such devastating news. I really thought it would take 5-10 years, not just 2, before the hearing in my second ear would fall badly enough to qualify for a second implant. I have been on pins and needles, under a dark cloud, holding my breath for five months, waiting to see if this 2nd CI would work. Every time I couldn't hear something, over the past five months, I would catch my breath--will this 2nd CI work? Or will it be worse, being stone deaf when the processor is off?

I will admit that I wore my processor to bed the first night after surgery. I wasn't willing to give up sound. I think I took it off around 4AM, but set it on the nightstand, with the battery just disconnected, so I could whip it back onto my head in an instant. The second night I took it off a bit earlier (maybe 2AM instead....) but by the third night, I was ready to take it off when I climbed into bed. But I still put it on the nightstand. And it was the first thing I put on in the morning (before, I would wait until after my shower to put it on). I think it was maybe 5 or 6 nights before I put the processor into the desiccator (what we CI folks fondly call "putting our ears to bed").

I couldn't get my incision wet for five days after surgery--which means I couldn't wash my hair. O.o So I was eagerly anticipating getting into the shower on the fifth day. I took off my processor and the world was silent. I climbed into the shower, and it was really weird to have the water running over my face and not be able to hear the shower. BUT! And this is a very important but! It was not frightening. That is a huge difference. It was weird, it was odd, it was strange. But it was not freaky, scary, or terrifying.

When I got home from activation today, after Joe dropped me off and went back to work, I just sat and crocheted. I needed to rest my brain. I put on a favorite CD that I can enjoy with my other ear--Brandenburg Concertos--and just quietly sat. I didn't think about how the CD sounded, I didn't have to think hard about my crocheting. Then I began to think about making dinner (which I haven't done much of since my surgery). I realized I had energy! I picked out four cookbooks and looked up recipes for ingredients I have in the house. I picked out what to make for dinner. I set the table pretty. I had a bounce in my step!

I feel like I've lost a hundred pounds. I don't have to be scared, holding my breath, worrying about this surgery and activation any more. It's here, it's done, and it's well on its way to working--to working very well, no less.

After dinner, I took off the old processor and had Joe talk to me. I parroted back whatever he said, odd quirky humor and all. He said it was painful to have to listen to his own humor! :P But I was getting it right. And when I understood something and made a comment, Joe would parrot it back to me. And we ended up giggling and laughing--oh, my, this feels so good. I am so very grateful to have this off my back.

Now the cloud that is settling is one of peace and light. This is good.