Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Orchestra Music

I went to the Hearing Loss Association of America convention over the weekend, and of all the people for me to run into "randomly"-- I was leaving a noisy banquet after all the speeches were done and they cranked up the music for dancing. As I walked through the door, I turned to the person next to me and said, "It's loud in there!" He said, "Yes, and I use my ears for a living, so I can't afford all that sound." "What do you do?" "I'm a conductor." It stopped me dead in my tracks, almost knocked the wind out of me. I stood staring at him and finally softly said, "Then... you understand. I used to be in an orchestra.... and now... it's gone." We talked for a few minutes then went our separate ways. I found a quiet place and sat and cried.

That encounter has brought up a fresh wave of painful grieving, thinking about the joy of watching the conductor, the joys of not just playing notes, but *making music.* Crescendo and decrescendo; accelerando and ritardando. Painting pictures with my fingers and bow. The rise and swell of emotion and mood, created in a group. Being in the center of the musical sound. It's gone. So do I sit here and do the hard work of grieving, or do I eat a piece of chocolate cake, with lots of rich gloppy frosting? I have to say, the cake looks a lot more attractive. I'm tired of this grieving business.

I have so many blessings with my cochlear implants, but that part of my life, playing the viola, will never return. Sometimes one just has to grieve.


Blogger sara said...


My sax might not sound very good, but I'm thankful I don't have to hear that well to play it.. unlike your viola :(

Now I just have to learn to really Watch for key signatures and not trust that first wrong note to alert me.

11:04 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home