Sunday, March 26, 2006

Anxiety on Saturday About Sunday Morning...

I sent this to my mom and dad on Saturday, and to my prayer partner at church:

Hi Mom and Dad
Ok, you guys...I have to admit I'm quite anxious about church tomorrow and what the experience will be like. My own voice singing still sounds like a scratchy, high-pitched, robotic monotone to me, and I think the sound of everyone singing at once will be horrifically overwhelming. I actually do not expect it to be a very pleasant experience at all. I'm trying to have "realistic" expectations" and I just don't know WHAT to expect.

A CI online friend said bring a box of Kleenex, it will be so wonderful. I think I might need them for the overwhelming disappointment of how hard it will be to adjust to that complicated and noisy of an environment--especially one that is so important and dear to my heart and soul.

It helps that I go to a tiny church rather than a mega one. It helps that we have fairly simple accompaniment. It helps that I know 95% of the songs. I even have a CD of William doing the Eucharist liturgy! So if I listen to that today, it will help me "build a template for his voice," according to the audiologist yesterday.

I dreamed last night I'd been kidnapped, and if the RA of my dorm didn't pay protection money to the local gang, I would be beat up. They sent me back to the dorm, and the RA said the dorm fund was in the red, and we didn't know what to do. A little bit of anxiety coming out in my dreams?!?

And when I woke up this morning, the last thing I wanted to do was put "that thing" back on. So I've been concentrating on quiet sounds, like enjoying the whoosh of pouring oatmeal out of the cardboard box into its tupperware container, the crunch of scooping some out into my bowl, the crunch of scooping salt out of a bowl, the crunch of cutting fresh strawberries onto the cooked oatmeal. (That's a lot of lovely crunches--most of which I had no idea happened!) So I'm trying to be quiet and kind to my brain this morning. Yesterday was fun, but exhausting.

The audiologist said don't work too hard on it, let it be fun. I am determined to make this work, and if that means relaxing and having fun, so be it! {grin}

So pray for peace for me tomorrow (and today, anticipating it), and for trust that things will only get better. Pray for some lovely "CI moment" at church, even if most of it is hard to handle or listen to or whatever it might be. Having fairly realistic expectations has helped me so much already, for the moment of hook up and for the rest of the day yesterday. I want to be realistic so that, yes, going to church tomorrow will be a joy and I will be so glad to be worshipping God, even if it sounds odd or difficult and so very different!!

Trusting Him to do His work in me--


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