Sunday, February 24, 2008

Music to My Ears...or NOT

I've been rather around the bush the past 2 weeks--around and around. Hephalump tracks came up, you know, and then more and more of them..... So this is a huge note to tell you about it.

First thing: My "good ear" has deteriorated a LOT in the past half a year...and I now qualify for bilateral implants, i.e., getting my second ear implanted. I use my HA ear for pitch at church, and I can't stand the thought of losing my "psalms and hymns and spiritual songs."

I went in to have my CI tweaked yesterday and asked her to check how I was doing. My CI ear was ***96%*** comprehension!!! WooHoo!! Then I asked her to check the other ear, to see if anything has changed, if I'll be a candidate for bilateral in, say, 5 years or 10 years. Well, um, she said that my comprehension in my HA ear is 6%. This is not good. She said if she sent this in now, I'd be a be a bilateral candidate, now. In a heart beat, I told her, I'm not ready for that. She nodded gently and understood, saying "That's why I put it the way I'll know when you're ready. But you already knew. Otherwise you wouldn't have asked me to check. You'll know when you're ready. No hurry."

I got in the car and barely made it out of the parking ramp before I burst into tears. I cried all the way home. I called a friend who has picked up the pieces when I've fallen apart before over other things and invited myself over for a cup of tea. Her husband is an excellent professional musician. SHE understood completely. It still feels like I got the air knocked out of me, and I cry easily still today.

I just want to sing in church. This is very distressing. I already miss my music so much.

And all this on top of facing foot surgery in two days. I'm relishing each shower I take, knowing I won't be able to do THAT for a while! It's at the sink with a washcloth for several weeks. I can handle that, if I must...! :p

So just pray for God's presence and comfort and strength to be so very real in my heart in the next few days. And that some people around me will "get it" will understand how much music means to me, being a musician born and bred. I just don't get pitch with the CI. So that just means more auditory therapy, eh? I put some plain violin music (from a Suzuki album!) on my iPod that I use for listening practice. Gotta do it more often and more purposefully now--really train that first CI so it's ready when I need it.

I'm just SO not ready yet. I certainly didn't consciously expect it to be ~now~. But God is at work in my life, and I place my heart, emotions and body in His hands. I trust Him to do what is best. To quote Peter, "Lord, to whom else should we go?"

PS In June I was at 56% on the word recognition test; this time it was 12 %.
So, THEN, I had my foot surgery Friday 2/15. It went well. They told me not to take my anti-anxiety meds while taking the prescription pain killers, so I stopped. I'm really struggling to eat enough, because my anti-depressant is depressing my appetite so much. So I'm also often suddenly so hungry I'm light-headed. Lovely. Works well for Weight Watchers, though! They think I'm doing incredibly well; I know I'm on the survival side of eating enough. It's just so cockamamie!!

Sunday morning 2/17 around 9 am, I was scooting myself down the stairs to the kitchen on my butt, stopped and sighed...and passed out, started to have a seizure and tumbled down the rest of the steps! Thank God Joe was home and heard me go; he came running into the kitchen to find me in a seizure, which I have NEVER had in my life! He hollered out, "David! Call 911 RIGHT NOW!" and David woke up right quick and did so. He stayed on the line with them until the ambulance arrived--2 minutes and 15 seconds later (Yay, Northfield response time!!). So I woke up , slowly, to four large men strapping me onto a body board to carry me down the other steps and out the door to the ambulance. (I just realized I have no idea how they got me out the front door without dropping me--the storm door is on backwards, and it's a real pain to come in and out when there's lots of snow...!) It was odd to feel the cold rain on my face for just a second between the house and the ambulance. Funny what you notice.

Then I spent 48 hours in the hospital for a slew of tests and advice from various specialists. Turns out my heart is doing beautifully, no problem there--I got to watch the technician do an ultrasound of my beating heart, measuring how efficient the flow is, how large the valves can open, all that. It is totally amazing to look into your own beating heart!! So with that and being on a heart monitor for two days gave me a clean bill with the cardiologist. The neurologist was harder to clear. He was mad (my interpretation of body language) that I had just stopped taking my anti-anxiety meds cold turkey. Apparently I'm at the max dosage on one of them, and stopping cold turkey rather than weaning off could very easily have triggered the seizure. Lovely, eh? The EEG didn't show anything unusual, no residual effects from the seizure. Phew.

So I came home Tuesday. I am still just wiped out. Tuesday my podiatrist changed the dressings on my sutures, said it looks like all is healing well, and put a cast on my foot. It's not a walking cast yet; I'm not supposed to do any weight bearing on it yet. And I'm still NOT hungry. So I asked Dr. Kay if I should go down a notch on my anti-depressant, and he said that was ok. ~I~ am not adjusting my meds without asking HIM DIRECTLY MYSELF. Period. Jeepers! Who knew the human body would do such a thing?? Besides the neurologist, I mean.

My arms and my back are quite sore, both from starting on crutches and from tumbling down the stairs. I knew I was unsteady and woozy; I had no idea THAT would happen. At least I was sitting down already when I went down, eh?

So, anyway, life could settle down a bit ~any time now~ and I would not complain one little bit.